Monday, December 30, 2013

Top 7 comics I wont make into 5-panels.

Happy new year, and happy birthday to me!
To end the year, I have to do something special, witch mean make a blog you dont want to read, sort of a status quo to make me seem more important than I am. So here is the top 7 comics I (probably) wont make 5-panel parodies about, and why.
Nbr. 7: 5-panels made by Linkara.
Its not that I think it would be disrespectful toward him, but when I try it just end up with that I keep comparing it with the one he made, and that is pretty distracting.
Well, with the exception of Watchmen ( that you can see here ), but that was also a stroke of inspiration.
BTW, if you dont know Linkara, check out his awesome blog named atopfourthwall
Nbr. 6: X-Men comics.
The newer once for sure. I'm not a HUGE fan of the X-Men, and even less a fan of the modern comics. Reason for this is that I think the mutants are being portrait as alpha-prick, and the fact that Emma Frost; the (evil) With Queen is a member bothers me too. That, and that I think the mutants, for a lack of better word, wines allot about how hard it is to be them, and how much the Avengers wont help them, and so on.
Let me say it like this: There is a problem when I feel more sympathy for one of their enemies (in this case, Mystique) than the actual heroes.
Nbr. 5: Secret Wars.
The problems with event-comics is that its hard to make fun of them without repeating the same joke over and over again. I actually notice after a brief look at my archive that I reused some old jokes in my JLA/Avengers 5-panel (witch you can see here ), and that it wasn't the first time. So maybe I should have named Nbr. 5 event-comics, but I chose Secret Wars, because I have tried a couple of times without any results, or at least one I'm satisfied with. It might also have something to do with it being too... big. It has a ocean of details, so it would be impossible to cram it down to only 5 panels.
Nbr. 4: Superior Spider-man.
I hate the whole concept, and it would effect the 5-panel so much that it wouldn't be funny.
And YES, Superior Spider-man has potential, but that's not enough. Look, Doc Ock as Spider-man is a great idea... for a what-if story, or something like that, not in the mainstream universe.
And besides, its a bad idea for the Marvel too. Yes, its going fine now, but what will the writers do when Peter return? (and please dont tell me that there is a chance it wont happen, you know it, I know it, EVERYONE knows its going to happen) Doc has had too much time as Peter Parker and changed his life too much, there is no way Pete can pick up on that or live the life Doc has made.
Nbr. 3: Justice League; Cry For Justice.
I cant find it in my library, I cant find scans online, and I refuse to pay for a copy. This is probably one of the worst comics (if not the worst) ever written in history! Don't believe me? See this review and you will understand:  atopfourthwall.blogspot.dk
And you know what the really sad part is? The writer is no one else but FLIPPING James Robinson, a fan-favorite writer of such series as Starman, my favorite run on JLA, and the only n52 series that I'm actually buying at the moment; Earth Two. Witch brings us to Nbr. 2...
Nbr. 2: New 52 comics.
To make 5-panels about n52 comics require that I buy them, and I dont wish to support the n52, beside buying Earth Two. Look, if you like the n52, or if it got you into comics: that's great! Really! But it doesn't change the fact that not only did DC decide to trow away years of history away (with the exception of Green Lantern and Batman) but the n52 universe just doesn't interest me the same way the previous universe did. For example: It doesn't have the same interest in trying to give life to not-mainstream characters, and only focus on the big guns, like Superman, Green Lantern, and so on. A title such as Robinson's Starman would never have worked in the n52, nor would the revival of the JSA.
Nbr. 1: Punisher comics.
How come Punisher-comics are nbr. 1 on my list over comics I wont do 5-panels about? Simple; when you think about it, there is only one kind of Punisher story, witch is the one where he, you know, punish people. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it doesn't leave much for me to work with.

Thanks for almost a half year of 5-panels, and lets hope I can keep it up without it feeling forced.

And if you have some request for a 5-panel, then please write a comment and I shall see what I can do.

I'm Waezi2, and thanks for wasting time with me.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Holiday-specials in 5 panels.

Gather 'round, ye children, and I shall read you stories about the true meaning of Christmas.
 Sing carols instead of doing your job. 
Teach the old grumpy men the meaning of Christmas, then do it again next year, then the year after that, then the year after that, then the year after that....
 Santa DOES exist, so your parents, and anyone else you tells you otherwise, are dirty liars.
Dress up as ghosts and scare the shit out of elder citizens.
.......

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

The quest for lost comics: Marvel Holiday Special 1993.

You know all those TV-shows and books who try to tell us that all you trouble will disappear at Christmas and that the holiday will be honky-dory? This is not that kind of comic. Instead it tells some stories about what people are doing in December... except for the first one...
The first story is… kinda weird. It’s about Wolverine slashing his way through dinosaurs, soldiers, robots and whatnot, but in the end, we see that it’s just a boy playing with an action-figure.

It’s petty well drawn, if not damn well. The artist clearly had no intentions of making it look realistic, which is ideal when it’s a boy’s imagination in which the story takes place. But I don’t really get the point. It’s not really Christmas-ish. But it might not have been intended to be so. Anyway, it’s an enjoyable non-verbal story.
Next of is a story about the New Warriors (my favorite superhero-team), written by the author of the NW series; Fabian Nicieza. It’s not about them doing something heroic, but just what they do before celebrating Christmas. What I like about it is that it doesn't try to sucker-coat their situation just because it’s Christmas. Their problems (whatever it being finances, stress or boyfriends in jail) are still there, but they still get together to celebrate the holiday together. The story (even though it fells like a Christmas card) pretty much sums up the greatest quality of the New Warriors: they are friends. Not Earths Mightiest Heroes, but just a bunch of guys who want to hang out and try making the world a better lace now they are at it.

After that we get a Spider-Man story written by none other than STAN FLIPPING LEE where Electro tries to mess with the tree at Rockefeller Center, wile talking like a cheep Bond-villain... Yeah, that's the thing with Stan, he still write like it was the 60's.
The writing is not fantastic, but it’s still enjoyable.
Then we have a story about the Punisher (because when I think Christmas, I think Frank Castle), who can’t use lethal force on anyone for 48 hours because of a bet he made with his weapon supplier and friend(?) Microchip. The story is written by Carl Potts, who were the editor of the first Punisher series. I’m not much of a Punisher fan myself, but I liked it, and I’m sure that you will like it too. We see that even without his guns or any kind of force, the Punisher is still the toughest nail in NY.
And don’t think there isn't room enough for Hanukkah. We have a lovely story about Hulks old ally Doc Samson, who visits his old yeshiva to tell the kids about the origin of Hanukkah. But when they get bored, he spices up the story with, well, 90’s-ness. Huge guns, robots, stuff like that. I swear to god, I laughed my face of reading it! This is one of the funniest stories I have ever read. Poor Samson does all he can to keep the kids attention, but it ends up biting him in the ass. And best part of it all; it’s apparently based on a true story.
Then we have a rather odd story about Thanos, written by Jim Starlin. That’s right, Thanos celebrate (or celebrated) Christmas. It was part of how he educated Gamora to be his assassin. Because you apparently need a normal upbringing when you are going to become a champion of death…
Even though it’s an odd scenery, it actually works. It’s a bittersweet tale well told by Jim Starlin; the man behind such legendary tales as the Infinity Gauntlet and the creator of Thanos.
Next we have an Iron Man story, where an ex-con in frustration over being unable to get a job takes the identity of the super villain Blizzard.

The last story in the Holiday Special is named The Rapt Lamb, and is told entirely from the point of view of a toy-lamb that Daredevil intends to donate to an orphanage. The lamb is very observant and curious about the gift-giver, who is gentle at one point, until he gets brutal, till he gets gentle again. He is delighted by the hero's good nature, and is also sadden by his sorrow.
This is by far the best story in the book, and surprisingly non-depressive considered that its about Daredevil.

And between all the stories is some lovely Christmas pin-ups, like Cap borrowing his shield to a kid, who use it as a slate.

I haven't been able to find the other Holiday Special comics, but this one was great. The stories are unique, well written and mixed. Highly recommended.
I'm Waezi2, and merry Christmas to you all. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

Green Arrow; The Quiver in 5 panels.

Come on Ollie, dont be like that! Everyone else is going to return from the grave!
Nagging about Ollie makes me a strong female character.
I'm white now. Deal with it! 
 Hey, my name is Stanley. I was created by the guy who made the movie Dogma.

A comic where I for once is something else but the spooky guy who tells people what to do... If it wasn't because it would cause an earthquake in Japan, I would smile.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Final verdict on New Warriors issue 1-26.

Well, that was the 26 first issues of New Warriors. Was it perfect?
Well... no. It was great, but not without faults.
But is there such a thing as a perfect ongoing comic-book series? I dare you, name one series, ONE series, that didn't have any problems at all.
Many thinks of the 90's as the Dark Age Of Comics, where ALL our heroes had to be edgier, darker, so on and so on. Huge unpractical weapons became a regular part of the 90's, so did ridiculously sexy women, awful ideas for new villains, and DC did all they could to make us believe that Batman was an urban myth, despite the Bat-Signal and his sidekicks.
But what some people forget is, that some of the best written series came from the 90's too, mostly after the mid-90's, such as JLA and Starman. And that is because the 90's was the comic-book media hitting puberty. Or that's what I believe.


Think about it; what did you do as a teenager? Answer: A lot of stupid stuff. And why did you do that? You were trying to evolve. And how did you do that? First of all, you tried to be someone new, mostly copying someone you either idolized, could relate to, or that you knew had some kind of status or resources you wanted yourself. And slowly, very slowly, you (hopefully) found your own identity.
After Dark Knights Return and Watchmen, it was suddenly not enough to tell stories about awesome stuff happening on the moon (even though that's primary why I read them), real life conflict was required too... even though real-life conflict has been a part of comics since the 60's, like Gwen Stacy's death, the Green Lantern/Green Arrow team-ups and such.
The problem was that the writers didn't understand or didn't care about the difference between being deep and being dark, and therefor just made the heroes more gritty. But eventually, the writing evolved.
You may ask; Were am I going with all of this? And the answer is: The New Warriors IS the 90's, for bout good and ill. There are bumps on the road, but it is an all in all good series, according to my humble opinion. Fabian Nicieza takes some chances now and then, as he writes the series., where some of them works, and some doesn't. But he still did as good a job he could with a team without many years of back-story to lean up at (like the FF or Avengers), and so did Evan Skolnik when he took over the book. And it took up some serious themes, like abusive parents, divorces, and the treatment of prisoners in jail, instead of stuff like clones and cyberspace nonsense... mostly... And one of the reasons it could do that was because the Warriors them self was pretty low profile, compared with other superhero teams, who had stuff like space-bases and stuff. Sure, there is the Forever Yesterday story-line with crazy overpowered Egyptians, but let me put it this way: The Avengers had a mansion as their base, the New Warriors had a closed down factory. Do you get my point?
And sure, it still had 90's stuff like super-strippers now and then, but it doesn't really bother you that much, because Nicizea keeps things smooth with good dialogue and exiting storytelling, but also shows how these are kids trying to handle difficult situations as best they can (with lots of illegal activities). The guest stars are used well too, and Bagley's artwork is wonderful and, all considered, realistic.
A great series is not one that is perfect, but so good that you are ready to forgive and look trough fingers when the writer makes mistakes or just doesn't write very well, since all writers has bad days. And even after the series started to look like the other 90's comics, it still had a pretty high standard that made me keep reading (even though I could have lived without the Child's Play crossover, and the first Justice costume).
There are more stories to be told, like how Nita accidentally betrays the Warriors, my favorite story-line "Forces Of Darkness Forces Of Light", and how Nova lost his powers and still insisted on being a part of the team. Not to mention the introduction of new awesome members, where my favorite new member must be Hindsight.
But lets call it a day with me coming to the realization that the New Warriors Vol. 1 is the 90's for bout good and ill.
I'm Waezi2, and thanks for wasting time with me.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

JSA; All Stars in 5 panels.

 I'm Hawkgirl, I have a pair of wings. And I am AWESOME!

I'm Doctor Fate, I'm four years old. And I am AWESOME!


I'm Hourman, I climb stairs. And I am AWESOME!


We are Sentinel, Flash and Wildcat. We are three old men. And we are AWESOME!
I'm the Wizard, who pretends to be a villain named Legacy, who pretends to be the Spectre. And I am AWESOME!

(What can I say? JSA All Stars was awesome)

JLA/Avengers in 5 panels.

 No Captain America, YOU are a poophead!!!

 The Avenger and Justice League must together face their greatest challenge: Really messed up continuity!
... Well, I suppose universes gets lonely too... 
 Oh crab, NOT AGAIN!
 No one really sure whats going on anymore, so they just hit stuff. That usually works out.
"Comic-book masterpiece." AS IF! They weren't even on the moon!

(Just kidding, it was glorious!!!)

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

New Warriors Look-Back: issue 26

Well, this is it. the final issue of my look back at the New Warrior's first series. And as I said before, it's not that there is anything wrong with the 49 other issues, but I want to go back to my 5-panels. And it may also be a good place to stop, since Bagley stops being the penciler and get's replaced with Darick W. Robertson... Bummer.
It's not that I think Robertson is a bad artist, he's just not as good as Bagley. That, and he was the penciler for the series "The Boys", which I am less than trilled about, so it's a little distracting now and then. It doesn't ruin the series for me, but still...
But Bagley still made the cover for issue 26. Wonder why...
Anyway, lets get to the actual story.
Remember the jet that the New Warriors stole from the Avengers? It got stolen by the Circle when they ran away. The Avengers is less than pleased about this.
With the exception of Hercules, who might overreact a tidy bit, the Avengers actually takes it rather well, considering that we talk about a jet worth three-quarts of a billion dollars, not to mention the damage done on the hangar. They understand that Rage meant no harm, and he was just trying to help the Warriors. BUT that doesn't change the fact that Rage stole a million dollar plain, so there has to be consequences, and the Avengers must kindly ask Rage to leave the team.
After packing his stuff and leaving the Avengers Mansion, Speedball is waiting for him outside, and ask Rage if he wants to be a full-time member of the Warriors. Rage accepts the offerpossibly looking forward to be on a team where his teammates will be closer to his age.
And the Warriors are in need of more members, since Thrash has taken a leave of absence, so he can get control over his life, witch you can read all about in his four issues mini: Four Control. You can read my review of the series RIGHT HERE!
Meanwhile, Nita, Nova and Firestar decides to rescue Vance from jail, by stopping the prison-truck transporting Vance to the superhuman prison; The Vault. They manege to do so, and takes on the guardsmen. But before the situation can get out of hand, Vance use his telekinesis to stop the fighting. He tells his friend that he doesn't want to be freed. Even though he didn't intent to kill his father, he still did so, and that means that he has to go to jail. Nita yells that its not fair, smashing a three in anger, to which Vance reply that its not important what they think about the laws, but that they lived by it. He appreciate that they want to help him, but there is a system in the country, in witch Vance believe in, And even though he could use his powers to ignore the law, doesn't mean that he is above it.
How you like THAT, X-Men?
There could have been serous consequences for the Warriors, if it wasn't for the fact that Vance has the guardsmen sympathy, so they are ready to leave the Warriors off the hock, IF they help them fix the van, as Firestar and Vance is allowed a private moment before they drive Vance to the Vault.
Firestar confess her love to Vance, which he return, and she tells him that she is ready to offer herself to him, both spirit and body.
That's right, she wants to "do it" with Vance, out in a forest, with two of their friend and three strangers only a few meters away. DUDE!!!
Before I go on, I would like to ad that I'm not mocking a young woman, who are about to say goodbye to her first serious love-interest, and therefor want's to share the ultimate intimacy with him, before he gets locked up and she won't see him for a long time. But still... DUDE!!!
Vance tells her that he want's to, but that he want it to be special (well it would be, I can promise you that) and that he thinks they should wait to their wedding-night.
... A few years later:
Ouch!
And thus our comic ends, with the Warriors left with no other option but to watch, as their friend gets driven away to jail, wondering how they can go on.
That was New Warriors issue 26. Next time, I shall give the first 26 issue of the series about my favorite Marvel team my final verdict.
I'm Waezi2, and thanks for wasting time with me.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

New Warriors Look-Back; issue 22-25

This is the folding circle, the team who attacked and overwhelmed Thrash in last issue. Their leader, Left Hand, has gathered them because their fate is connected and crab, and Thrash is the final piece in the puzzle. Why do they all believe Left Hand on his word? I have no idea.
By the way, those shades that the big half-naked guy named Bloodstrike is wearing; do they exist? Cause I totally want a pair myself.
Don't cry boys, you are still daddy's favorites.

Anyway, Thrash joins the Circle to find the truth, whatever that is.
Meanwhile, the Warriors finds a badly hurt Silhuette. She was attacked by Tai, who apparently is the one behind the corruption of the Taylor Foundation. After taking Sil to the hospital, the Warriors visit Chord who has woken up from his coma. He explains that Tai, who has mystical powers, has healed him, even though she couldn't restore the brain-tissue he had lost. Chord tells them that Tai is in Cambodia, ready for Thrash arrival, and that it's all about a pact five soldiers, including Chord, made with Tai.
Chord can't explain much to the Warriors because of his brain-damage, but they get that Thrash is going to be in trouble, and that they have to save him from Tai, who apparently isn't just a fortune-cookie lady. But the problem is that A) They are undermanned, since Thrash is the one they are suppose to save, Vance is under arrest, and one of them has to stay to represent the New Warriors (in this case Firestar) if necessary in Vance's trial, and B) None of them can fly the helicopter.
But the Warriors get's help from two of their allies; Darkhawk, a fellow teen superhero with a magical amulet, and Rage, a 12 year old boy trapped in an adult super-strong body, who's also a member of the Avengers.
Alright then, now they have a big enough team. But what about transportation?
Well, Rage can't fly a helicopter, but he CAN fly a jet (barely). He is an Avenger in training (The Avengers doesn't know that Rage is only 12) and has learned briefly how to fly one of their quinjets. And since its unlikely that the Avengers would believe that an 80 years old lady is going to take over the world, the Warriors only has one option left: They must steal the Avengers jet.
...
Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! They high-jack expensive planes from the local authorities!
Meanwhile, Vance's trial has started. His defense-attorney is no one else but Foggy Nelson, but the other lawyer is not wet behind her ears either, so it's not going to be pretty.
Foggy does all he can to make his point that Vance acted in self-defense, and that he is a genuinely good person, a hero too, who would never harm a person by choice.
Unfortunately the other lawyer, Racheal Dreyfuss, does just as good a job to point out that Vance has shown, in his identity as Marvel Boy, to have great control over his powers, and that he could therefor, in theory, defend himself without the need of lethal force.
Meanwhile in Cambodia, the Folding Circle has found Tai inside an ancient temple, where they get caught by her and we get an explanation for what the hell is going on.
Tai is an evil sorcerer, and like all other evil sorcerers, she wants to conquer the world. To do so, she needs to sacrifice members of her clan who has blood from bout East and West, so she abducted a bunch of American Solders (among them were Thrash's father and Chord) so they could marry and breed with her daughters, so she could sacrifice them to get the power.
But apparently this pact never happened because Night Thrasher's father didn't agree to be part of it...
And The Warriors must be sacrificed too, or instead, or... or...
ARRRRGGGH!!!
I don't think I have to explain why this story-ark almost made me give up the title. Its weird, messy, and I have checked the unofficial NW fan-site newwarriors.com a couple of times before writing this, and I STILL don't get it! What I do get is that Tai apparently needed Thrash to fulfill the pact, because...  dont know, really... So she hex Chord, made him kill Thrash's parents, and then use magic to make the little boy forget who killed them. Why? Because she needed Thrash to become a superhero (?), so he would form a group, that she could sacrifice, which I dont get, because I thought she needed that "East and West" thingy, and why do they have to be superheroes, and...
ARRRRGGGGH!!!!
Look, let's cut the crap: Tai is a magic evildoer, she want's to rule the world, and she killed Thrash's parents. Lets get to the big fight already!
The Folding Circle and the Warriors unite their forces to fight for their life. Tai is pretty much Vietnam's Sorcerer Supreme, but she needs to concentrate. Unfortunately, she is no pushover in close combat either, so hurting her is easier said than done. Thing looks pretty bad when the Circle runs away with their tail behind their legs, but by a stroke of luck, Thrash manege to gun down Tai (BTW, I forgot to mention that Thrash carries a machine-gun) and as Tai screams in pain, the temple (of coarse) collapses on itself.
Its over. The Warriors has saved the world from the most confusing plan ever made by a comic-book villain (and that says allot) and Thrash has finally avenged his parents. Unfortunately, his victory is hollow, now hat he know that he has been lied to and manipulated into every decision that has led him to where he is now, and that his life has been based on a bunch of lies.
And just to make it perfect; Vance has been found guilty in negligent homicide and sentenced to 14 mounts in the superhuman prison The Vault with minimum security. It could have been MUCH worse, not that it is much comfort for Vance, or Firestar, who has recently discovered that she loves him.
Well... That was depressing...
I'm Waezi2, and thanks for wasting time with me.